Mr. T vs. The Leprechaun
Can the universe's greatest hero overcome his latest nemesis: B-movie reject the Leprechaun?By William Mistretta
As our saga begins, we find the Leprechaun drunk in an in an alley, having been driven to financial ruin by the failure of his last film.
"Ack! I be in a rut! I had to sell me pot ‘o gold to cover the losses from me last movie. ‘Lep in the Hood’, my ass!"
Suddenly, he has a flash of inspiration.
"I got it! I need gold, and who’s got more than Mr. T? That T’s one helluva badass guy, though. I need me a plan... Of course! The only thing T loves more than his gold is...
"His 1982 GMC custom van! If I gives it a shove into this lake, T’s sure to come runnin’. Then, his gold chains are mine!"
And with that, the dastardly deed is done.
"Hey, I got a funny feelin' 'bout my van. We’s connected in ways I can’t tell you 'bout on a family Web page. See you later, Hannibal!"
"You’d best lay off my van you spud munchin’ little fool! I’ll smack yo green ass black ‘n’ blue!"
"Then gimme yer gold, T, or prepare to face me wrath!"
"Quit yo jibba jabba, you crazy sucka! I got a shell with yo name on it. Two things you don’t never mess with: My van and my gold. And you done upset me on both accounts!"
Boom!
"*GULP* That could’ve sucked! Time for a new strategy. I’ll frighten him into submission!"
"Oooh, look at me. I’m a scary leprechaun. You’d better gimme the gold before I...um...before I...Wait a minute, I’m not scary at all. I’m a damned Leprechaun, for God’s sake! No wonder my movies bombed! I suck! Aw, forget it! I'll just choke him!"
"I got ya now, T! Your precious gold chains are mine!"
"Enough playin’ around! Prepare to get pummeled, little man!"
The unfortunate Leprechaun then received one helluva beating from the mighty T.
"Now I’m gonna throw yo sorry ass back to Ireland! Sayonara, sucka!"
"Oh, crap!"
"Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh! You’ll be payin’ for this, T! I’ll be back! Damn, that T can throw helluva far!"
After enlisting the help of his fellow A-Team members to haul his van out of the lake, T celebrates his victory with a cool, frosty glass of milk.
"Ah! There ain’t nothin’ like a nice glass of milk to wash away yo worries!"
And so, our hero is at rest. But what new menace will arise to threaten the rule of T? Only time will tell...
Please address any feedback to this work to William Mistretta at greenyamo@hotmail.com
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This ribbon commemorates Mr. T's ongoing heroic battle against lymphoma. The big C is no match for the big T!
The End
